The Creation of Franken Turkey
by Joe Brooks
by Joe Brooks
On a lovely emerald island in the Caribbean Sea,
Sits an institute of learning called Ross University.
'Twas the middle of November in 1999
The 20th Roman century was in its long decline.
The first semester class planned for a grand Thanksgiving feast
A traditional celebration with the best of fruit and beast;
Pumpkin, mince, and apple pies were planned with taters, yams and veal,
Peas and carrots, gravy, stuffing for the last Thanksgiving meal.
"Veal?" came the puzzled query from a member of the bunch.
"This is Turkey Day we're planning and we'll have one for our lunch."
"But we cannot!" cried another, "if you look around you'll find
That the 1st semester students here do number 89."
Late the Kittian sunset lingered on the lovely turquoise bay.
Yet the sad discussion foundered, there was little left to say.
Though the students came from every land and many a varied kind
None had ever seen a turkey that would feed all 89.
Then a brain fart did beget itself in Kevin's cranial dome!
"I'll break this impasse," he declared "so we can all go home."
"You are veterinary students," and his voice began to ring.
"We'll buy the parts at Rams and you can make the blasted thing!"
"Everyone can have their drumstick, wing, or back, or breast, or thigh.
Just make a list of parts you want me to go down and buy.
Clear a spot in the Anatomy Lab to perform the surgery.
Suture all the parts together to create Franken-Turkey!"
Silence radiated outward from this great epiphany.
Then the wild applause erupted as they all began to see
What an elegant solution this would be to feed the group
Since the previous best idea had been a giant turkey soup.
Then the orders started coming in for all the favorite parts
For the wings and thighs and drumsticks, even livers and some hearts.
Quickly was the list assembled of what each one liked the best,
Then they all went home to study for the next day's p-chem. test.
Joe and Kevin made the trip to town to buy the many pieces
That were needed to create the Franken turkey for the feast.
All were gathered after class that day in the Anatomy Lab
To create the Franken Turkey on a clean necropsy slab.
27 breasts were sutured to 2 dozen backs and thighs
40 wings were artistically attached and organs placed inside
30 legs were paired along the sides all marching in a row
And a grand dispute broke out on where the pope's nose ought to go.
Then did all step back to marvel at the miracle they'd wrought.
The turkey to feed 89 that nowhere could be bought.
It spanned a full two meters and weighed 50 kilograms,
Never had there been a Turkey day with centerpiece so grand.
"There's a problem," muttered Mary in a voice both soft and low
"Who among us has the oven in which Franken Turkey goes?"
"'tis a glorious creation we've made for Thanksgiving Day
But you know if we can't cook it we must throw the thing away!"
Great the anger in the classroom as the accusations flew
Everyone blaming the others as the acrimony grew.
"How could this debacle happen" cried the students as a mob
"We will find who caused this blunder and we'll hang the bloody slob."
Then did Joe step to the breach with an idea they could heed.
"There is one place on the isle with the oven that we need.
At the local funeral parlor where they toast our passing chums,
Is the oven I refer to. It's the crematorium!"
"While it's hotter than the kitchen stove and cannot be turned down
By reducing cooking time we'll get a turkey golden brown.
Let's see 5000 degrees divided by 300 Fahrenheit
Times the square of the hypotenuse plus the weight should be just right!"
So the turkey was transported on the morning of the day
To the local funeral parlor for roasting to take place;
While the rest did cook and chop and bake to make the perfect feast.
Then all waited at the table to see the perfectly roasted beast.
Oh somewhere in this favored land the sun is shining bright,
Somewhere children laughing and somewhere hearts are light.
But the Island of St. Kitts just seems to echo with a sigh
As the ashes of Franken Turkey drift down on the pumpkin pie.
