The Kittian Road Warrior
by Joe Brooks
2000
by Joe Brooks
2000
1. When Two (2) vehicles are approaching head on both shall have the Right of Way.
2. If there is an obstruction in a traffic lane such as a parked car, the traffic in the lane with the obstruction must speed up. Whoever arrives first shall have Right of Way.
3. Communication between opposing drivers is crucial. For instance, if you are attempting to overtake a vehicle and the oncoming driver flashes his lights it means "Come ahead"; or it means "I have no brakes, the throttle is stuck, I'm high on ganja and wouldn't slow down to see the Second Coming."
4. Upon overtaking vehicles it is important to be efficient. Never overtake a single vehicle when you can do multiples, it is best to do, like, 20 per attempt, with maybe a cement mixer thrown in. Also do this on curves where the road may be wider.
5. The old arm signals are no longer appropriate. Due to the high rate of travel of Kittian drivers any appendage thrust out of the window runs the risk of arriving at one's destination on the hood of a passing bus long before yourself.
6. It is important to maintain a proper following distance with the vehicle in front of you. Because we are a friendly people a distance of 1" per 100KPH is considered appropriate.
7. Never believe the light signals, arm signals or verbal statements of a taxi driver. A good rule is to observe the terrified passengers, they will be looking longingly in the direction they had wished to be taken.
8. Bicycles and donkey carts are not vehicles but are considered advanced forms of pedestrian. They are therefore not required to obey traffic regulations such as one way streets.
9. The Kittian vehicle horn is a highly versatile instrument. It can mean "I am overtaking you must wait", "Go ahead", "Come ahead and pull out", "If you pull out I will hit you", "Hello Mrs. Nelson I haven't seen you since Sunday", or "I have a great calypso song on Zed I Zed and I am keeping time with the music". Interpretation is left as an exercise for the listener.
10. When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor
11. Vehicles must drive on the left side of the highway…or the right…or straddling the center line…except when avoiding potholes when any is permitted.
12. And most importantly, when you are operating a motor vehicle in Basseterre; due to their diminished mental capacity, chickens and passengers just off the cruise ship shall have the Right of Way.
